


your smile is the sun

by ftera



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/F, Kid Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-24
Updated: 2014-04-24
Packaged: 2018-01-20 15:04:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1514810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ftera/pseuds/ftera
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the fighting starts, Hael is six years old.</p><p>She doesn't know it yet, but it won't be all that bad.</p>
            </blockquote>





	your smile is the sun

**Author's Note:**

> This is loosely based off of _What Maisie Knew_ , but since I have not seen the movie or read the book, I only used a general idea off of it.

   

 

  _"Do not seek the because - in love there is no because, no reason, no explanation, no solutions."_

- Anaïs Nin

 

 

**I.**

When the fighting first starts, Hael is six.

 

 

**II.**

Hael will cower in the living room as the yelling in the kitchen gets louder. She will be sure that they've forgotten that she was still out here, because while she knows that sometimes they fight, they haven't been so loud before, especially not while she's in a place where she can hear everything. On the TV, the show that they were all watching will come off of commercial break, but she won't have it in her to raise her voice and let them know.

Hael will continue watching the images move around the screen as her parents continue fighting.

"Why are you still going on about this?" Mommy will snap in the next room over as the main character on the show takes out his cell phone.

The man at the other end of the call will be standing on a sidewalk, across the street from where the original man is standing at the top of the building.

"I put _trust_ into our relationship, Anna. Can you believe that I'm still a bit pissed off about what you and that guy at your work did?" Daddy's voice will get louder, if possible.

There will be a clang as something glass is set down— Hael will think that Mommy is doing dishes— but it shouldn't sound so _angry_. "What Balthazar and I did was a _mistake_. Cas, how many times do I have to apologize?"

"It doesn't matter," he will respond, but this time Hael will barely hear him.

On the screen, the man on the sidewalk will be begging the man on the building to stop.

"I can't _do_ this anymore," Daddy will say.

The man on the building will hang up. Hael will watch as, in slow motion, the man falls.

She will think that he has given up, too.

 

 

**III.**

"Michael?" she will ask, voice quiet, as she knocks softly on her brother's door at one in the morning.

There will be a moment of silence, and then the door will open a bit. "What do you want?"

"They're fighting again."

Michael will consider this for a few seconds before he sighs, loudly so that it will be heard over the yelling, and then he will open his door wide enough for her to fit through.

He will let her sleep in his bed that night, and she will fall asleep to him telling her that everything is fine, that everything will be okay.

When she wakes up the next morning, Daddy will be making tea. The way he sluggishly moves will suggest a night of restless or no sleep, and Hael will tug at his sweatpants as he's taking a sip from his favorite green coffee mug. He will look tired, but he will still smile when he bends down to pick Hael up. She will be snuggled comfortably between his arm and his hip, and she will still feel a little drowsy when he shifts to pick up the newspaper that's sitting out on the counter. "Love you, Daddy," she will mumble into his shirt.

He will shift her again, but there will be a smile pressed against her forehead. "I love you, too, sweetheart." He will move them to the couch, and she will sprawl across his chest as she settles down to listen to him read about a pet shelter and a local charity.

At some point in the day, she will ask, "Will you play something on the piano for me?" Hael knows that the piano makes Daddy happy.

But he will just smile sadly. "Maybe next time, sweetheart."

There won't be a next time.

 

 

**IV.**

Daddy will move out when the leaves start changing color.

Hael won't understand what's going on, not really, but she will listen as Mommy tells her that she and Daddy are "taking a break." Hael still won't get it but she will stay quiet as Daddy packs up his things.

It isn't until Daddy is putting the last of his boxes into his car that the realization of what's happening will slam down on her. "Daddy!" she will scream, throwing open the front door in her haste to get outside. Daddy's hand will be on the car door handle, but he will stop and turn as Hael runs around the front of the car. She will hurl herself into his arms, clinging onto his neck and waist fiercely. "Daddy, don't go," she will plead into his neck. "Don't leave me."

His hands will travel soothingly up and down her back, but she will refuse to relax until he promises not to go. "It'll be okay, Hael," he will tell her, but his voice will be soft.

It will make her wary, make her cautious. She will pull back a little to check and then frown at him when her assumptions are correct. "Daddy, don't cry," she will say, unaware of the tears that are streaming down her own cheeks.

He will laugh, but it won't sound like his laughs usually do. It will be worn and tired and even a bit disbelieving, and Hael won't like it. "I won't," he will tell her as he begins to untangle her limbs from his body. "Can you do me a favor?"

Once her feet are planted firmly on the ground, he will kneel down in front of her. "Of course," she will say, all seriousness.

(Castiel's heart will twinge a bit. She shouldn't have to deal with this, she shouldn't have to grow up so soon.)

"Go inside." Hael will frown at him, a protest already on the tip of her tongue. "Go inside, and tell Mommy that you love her, okay? I'm not going very far, I promise. I'll see you right after school on Friday."

She will nod at him but she won't want to. Mommy will be waiting at the front door for her, but she will want to climb into the backseat of Daddy's car.

As Daddy pulls out of the driveway, Mommy will wave at him.

It'll be the most that they'll acknowledge each other for the next few years.

 

 

**V.**

Daddy will begin to pick her and Michael up after school on Fridays.

At first, they'll have to pack for the weekend on Thursday night and bring their clothes to school, but eventually, both of them will have their own drawer in the guest bedroom of Daddy's new apartment.

Michael will hate it. He's a bit more bitter about the divorce than Hael is. He'll complain about having to be shuffled about every weekend, and he will complain when every weekend turns into whenever Mommy works late into the night. He'll complain when they have takeout because Daddy doesn't really know how to cook much besides breakfast foods and things that come in packages and cans, and Michael will complain about whatever Daddy cooks. He will get upset when Daddy makes him come out of the guest bedroom to spend family time with them, but eventually Daddy will stop trying.

Hael won't mind it so much. She'll enjoy weekends with Daddy, will come to love spending time with him. She will know that Mommy loves her but Mommy doesn't love her nearly as much as Daddy does. Daddy will have movie nights with her on the couch when she should be sleeping, and he'll let her turn on princess movies. He will let her sleep with him because the only other bed is in the guest room, and by the time they're done watching movies, Michael will be asleep and he will take up all the space on the spare mattress.

When she is 9 and Michael is 12, he will insist on staying at home every other weekend. Hael won't mind, though, because it just means that her time with Daddy won't be tainted with Michael's grouchyness. When Michael is gone, Hael will sit at the dinner table on Friday and Saturday nights and gladly eat scrambled eggs and hash browns or bacon instead of fast food. She'll find it funny when Daddy starts up baking, too, and she will laugh when he gets brownie mix streaks all over his face, and she'll pretend to be annoyed when he reaches out and smears a glob of the mix down her nose.

When she is 10, Daddy will start to date again. It'll be Meg, first. Hael won't talk as much in her presence, and movie nights will come to an abrupt end whenever the dark-haired woman is around. When she starts hearing noises in the room next door in the middle of the night, she will lie awake and stare at the ceiling and try, very hard, not to cry.

But Meg will only last for a month and a half.

A few months later, Daphne will come into the picture. She'll encourage movie nights, encourage Daddy to bake. She will be kind and she will be loving, but Hael will still not like it when she's around. Hael won't say anything about it, though, because Daddy will look happier when she is around.

Daphne will stick around for almost a year, but when it becomes clear that Daddy isn't going to go past dating and she isn't going to be the first priority in his life, they will break it off. It won't be angry like how Mommy and Daddy broke it off, or suddenly like how Meg and Daddy ended, but they will still remain friends to a certain degree.

Daddy won't play his piano the entire time.

Nobody will say anything about it, but Hael will know.

 

 

**VI.**

When she is 8, Mommy will bring home a man named Dean.

Hael will likes him, despite the fact that Mommy will be trying to replace Daddy with him. Michael will be indifferent towards him, and he will even ignore him at first, but eventually Dean will start playing catch with him in the yard, and he'll show Michael how to start up the lawnmower and mow the yard. When Michael gets old enough, Dean will even let him help fix up and mess around with his car, a '67 Chevy Impala that Hael will sit on the hood of when Michael and Dean play catch.

Dean will call Hael "squirt" and he'll ruffle her hair, but sometimes he'll take her out for a ride, just the two of them, and he'll go to an ice cream shop that she will vaguely remember going to with Mommy and Daddy and Michael a lot before the divorce, so she will think he's all right.

Dean will last. He'll stick around longer than Meg or Daphne could ever hope to. He will love Mommy a lot, and Hael knows this, but sometimes she will think that it's not enough.

When Hael is 10, she will realize that Dean is staying around mostly because of her and Michael. She will only realize it because by then, the only time she really sees Dean anymore is when Mommy isn't home. She will find it strange and she will find it odd, but she never says anything because Dean, in some ways, has become a parent to her. He won't ever replace Daddy— no one ever could— but instead he has replaced the spot of Mommy. Dean won't replace Daddy because Dean makes her soup when she's sick and sing her songs when they're in the car and, if she asks, he will braid her hair, and those are things Mommy used to do.

Dean will start picking her and Michael up on Sunday evenings the summer between fourth and fifth grade when Mommy begins working on those nights. It will start out as him knocking on Daddy's door at six o'clock every Sunday, and there will be a standard greeting between Dean and Daddy and then Dean will say, "It's time to go, kiddos."

Hael will adjust to this routine with ease.

When Michael starts to stay home more often, though, things will begin to change. At first, it will start with Dean actually coming into the apartment and talking to Daddy while Hael packs up whatever she brought over. Slowly, it will come to Daddy inviting Dean to stay a little bit longer for dinner, and they'll all sit in the kitchen while Daddy makes eggs and bacon. At first, Dean will laugh about having the same meal over and over again, but when Hael confesses to him in the quietness of the Impala one night about how nice it feels for all of them to sit together, he will go silent but he will stop joking about eating breakfast.

Dean will start to showing up earlier and earlier, they will all sit on the couch and watch a movie before eating dinner. It is an odd feeling, sitting with her dad and her mom's boyfriend, but Hael thinks that she likes this the best, surrounded by the two people who love her most.

Mommy and Dean will officially break up when she is 12, but she is already expecting it. Nothing much will change except Dean won't sleep on the couch as often and Michael will refuse to acknowledge his presence, but Hael will soak up his attention whenever she can.

Dean will still show up most days and sometimes he will bring his younger brother, Sam. On nights that Mommy works, Dean will stay over and cook dinner, and sometimes Sam will be with him. Hael will sit and watch TV as Dean cooks, and she will try not to listen to Dean and Sam talking in the kitchen.

"Dean, what are you even _doing_ here?" she will sometimes hear Sam ask.

She imagines Dean will shrug. "I don't know."

"You're hanging around your ex-girlfriend's house taking care of her kids, and you're spending time with their dad like the two of you are best buddies." The part about her dad will be news, and she'll stop pretending to watch TV and focus on their conversation.

"Cas isn't so bad, though. I like spending time with the guy. He needs to get out more, anyway."

Sam will sigh. "But the kids, Dean. What are you even doing, sticking around with them?"

"They're good kids, Sam. Michael won't really talk to me anymore, but Hael is— she's important to me, Sam. I love those kids, ya'know? They're used to me being around. I'm not gonna just disappear out of their lives because Anna and I broke it off. She doesn't care that I'm still here," Dean will tell him.

When Sam and Dean leave that night and Mom gets off of work, she will realize how little her house feels like a home when Dean isn't there.

 

 

**VII.**

Hael won't notice it at first, but when they watch movies on Sundays, Dean and Dad will hold hands behind the back of the couch.

 

 

**VIII.**

They will both start coming to her softball games when she is 10. She will expect Daddy to be there, because he is always there for her, but seeing Dean there as well will shock her.

It'll be a time before Daddy and Dean really know each other and it'll be a time when Mommy is always busy. Michael will come to the first few games, but eventually it'll come to a point where he'll come only to the important games, where he'll come only when she begs him to.

At first, Dean and Daddy won't acknowledge each other during the games. As the years go by, though, Hael will spend a lot of the time she isn't on the field watching the two of them sit next to each other. One time, she will be convinced that their index fingers are looped together.

She'll hear people tell them that they are "such a cute couple", and she will listen as, at first, they deny it, pointing to wherever she is to say that they're just here for her. Over the years, though, she won't notice that they stop denying it, that they will just get a look on their face, a look that says this has happened before and they don't mind much for it anymore.

Hael will run across the field and she will stop runs and she will make hits, and she will smile, like an idiot, at the two men sitting on the bleachers just for her. She will not think that it is odd for them to sit so close, nor will she think that it's funny how they look so right together.

When she is 15, a boy will come into her life and he'll have a witty smile and sharp eyes, and when they kiss her entire world will light on fire. His name will be Inias, and he will tell her that he loves her.

He will start coming to softball games, too, but he will stay far away from her dad and Dean. She won't think much of it until the game where she wins the game with a home run and she sees them hug. Inias will confront her afterwards— "I didn't know your parents were both guys"— but he'll say it with a sneer. Hael won't bother to correct him but she'll know, then, that this boy was a mistake, because there shouldn't be a problem with that.

She will break up with him the next day. It won't even occur to her to feel sad.

Out of curiosity, she'll play one more softball game. The entire time she's not on the field, she will watch Dad and Dean. They don't do anything she hasn't noticed them do before, but her stomach will twist anyway.

A week later, she will quit the softball team, too.

 

 

**IX.**

Inias will be the first boy in her life, but he won't be the last.

A few months later, Hael will go to a party and she will fool around in a darkened bedroom with her brother's best friend. Nothing will happen between them beyond some heavy kissing and light groping in the dark— "Michael would cut off my balls if he knew that I touched you as is"— and Hael will understand what Lucas is saying, she really will, but afterwards she will throw herself at boys.

Hael won't sleep with them, but she'll kiss them and usually they'll touch her and she'll touch them. They'll call her a tease when she won't go past that— jokingly at first, but then they'll start to mean it.

The first boy she takes home to meet her dad will be Ezekiel. Dad will make dinner and, at some point, Dean will come over, too. They'll all sit at Dad's small dinner table in silence, barely uttering a word the entire time. At some point, Ezekiel will ask how long Dean and her Dad have been together, and when the both of them get flustered, she will grin at them.

She will break up with him a few months later when his parents find a good job opportunity in California. Hael will spend some time feeling sad and heartbroken about it, but it will not be the absolute worst she's felt after a break-up.

It won't be until Ruby comes into her school sophomore year that she finds out that the female body is just as admirable as the male body. She will let Ruby's fingers dance across her skin and along her body. It is the gentlest she will ever be touched by a potential lover, and she will sink into the memories of it when she is feeling lonely.

Ruby will be out of the picture when Hael decides that she is too scared for this, too afraid to love someone. 

After her, there will be a list.

No one will stay. No one ever does.

 

 

**X.**

It'll only become an issue when Michael finds out. Hael won't be there, not at first, but she'll hear all about it from the way Michael mutters and the way his yells will make it to the lobby of Dad's apartment complex. She'll be going home after work and she will stand in the elevator when she realizes that there are people yelling. It'll be too late to back out of it but she will wish that she'd stayed off of the elevator. The last time someone had started yelling around her, another person had walked out of her life and left a broken home behind.

"What the fuck?!" she will hear first, and then, "No wonder why you and Mom couldn't stay together!"

Hael won't recognize it as Michael immediately, but it won't take much to figure it out.

"I bet you were fucking the guy at work, too! God, Dad, you just fuck up everything, don't you?!"

By the time she gets to her Dad's door, Michael will be screaming at the top of his lungs. Hael will grab his arm— "Michael, calm down"— and tell him to _get out, just get out, before you screw up everything else_.

Michael won't tell her what he walked in on, but he won't have to. Dean will be shirtless— she'll gaze at the oddly shaped sun-burst star tattoo on his pectoral muscle distractedly— and his legs will be halfway across her dad's lap, as if he was starting to get out of his lap but then couldn't be bothered to complete the action.

Hael won't say anything to them, but she'll give them a look. It won't be like she knew that they were together— it'll be news to her as well— but it wasn't as though she hasn't assumed.

"Next time," she'll tell them, "do it in your room."

 

 

**XI.**

"When I said to do it in your room," Hael will shout at two in the morning, "I didn't mean for you to do it when I was at home, too!"

Despite it all, Dean's laugh will become one of her favorite sounds.

 

 

**XII.**

When she is 17, Hael will move into her dad's house when she starts getting into fights with Mom and Mom's now boyfriend, some douchebag named Mark or Mike or Mitch. She won't like the guy and he won't like her, so moving out wont be a big deal.

Dad will look at her but he won't say anything, and sometimes Dean will open his mouth to speak but then he will change his mind too.

Hael won't call it depressed, but she knows she is sad, and she will only get worse when a few weeks later her boyfriend— she won't remember his name— will break up with her. Lacking motivation, she will sit in her room all day and listen to the sound of the TV in the living room or, if it is quiet, the sound of Dean and Dad talking to each other. She won't concentrate enough to hear exactly what they are saying, but she finds the tone of their voices soothing.

Dean will take her out for ice cream one weekend shortly afterwards. He will have to force her out of bed but at some point she will give up and he will shove her into the passenger's seat of his beloved car. "Where are we going?"

Dean will smile, and she will think it is like watching the sun rise.

"Does it matter?" he will ask, glancing over at her. "You hardly go outside anymore. We're out just to be out."

Dean will take her for ice cream anyway, and she will feel like she is five, like she is eight, and it will make her feel like a child but she will cherish it, every second of it, as they sit in the old, weathered booths and laugh as ice cream melts down their fingers.

"How did it happen?" She won't ask until later, after the laughs and jokes have run out, but it will have been on her mind already.

Still sitting in the booth, Dean will begin to tap his fingers on the table. "How did what happen?"

Hael will shrug. "How did you know you loved my dad? How did you know it was him but not my mom?"

He will refuse to meet her eyes. Though she cannot see his face clearly, she will recognize his panic by the stiff line of his shoulders, the way that his fingers are getting restless, gripping the edge of the table and then releasing it, over and over again. "Hael, I'm not— look, squirt, I get that— I'm not _in love_ —"

"If you aren't in love with him then why are you sticking around?" It will have been a long time since Hael tried to understand the two father figures in her life.

Dean sighs. "Mostly, it was because of you and Michael."

"You said was," she will accuse him.

"What?"

Rolling her eyes, she'll bunch up a napkin that had been leftover from the mess they'd made. "You said was. As in past tense. What is it now?"

"Still the two of you. Your dad, too, I suppose. He's good company," Dean will say.

"If you don't love him, then what is it?"

Dean will shake his head. "Don't worry about it, squirt."

But she will.

 

 

**XII.**

There will be one girl— her name will be Maggie— that will tell Hael that she loves her.

She will consider saying it back, consider it even after the moment passes, consider it even after she goes back home, consider it even after they break up and she will lie in her bed and she will wonder what is wrong with her. It won't matter about the girl or, if it had been, the boy, it won't matter if what she does feel for them is love.

That will be the thing, though.

Hael had never had a reason to love someone, really love them, with her heart and soul and a passion in her that she would not be sure could even exist. What she knows of love will be an example of her parents, and even then she will not begin to grasp what it is. What she knows of love is that not everything will always work out. What she knows of love is that sometimes, people will yell and people will argue and people will find even the smallest reason to be angry at someone else, and while she'll know that some people can work past this, she will know that most don't.

Hael won't be quite sure what love is, and she will spend the rest of her life trying to figure it out.

 

 

**XIV.**

"Dad, do you love him?" Hael will ask one night, one of the nights that Dean is out working late.

He will be washing dishes at the sink, and she will be sitting at the kitchen table doing homework, but she will pause because she won't be able to focus properly when the sound of faucet water hitting the sink basin and dishes clanging together distract her.

"Love who?"

It will be a close call, but she will not roll her eyes at him. "Dean, silly."

"Why do you think that?" he'll ask, pausing in rinsing a plate in favor of looking at her.

Casually, she will shrug her right shoulder. "You're kidding, right? Have you not see the way you two look at each other? It's disgusting. And also, I can  _hear_ you two at night, you realize that, right? I had to buy the really expensive headphones just to cancel out the sound of you guys going at it like rabbits. It's disturbing."

Dad will raise an eyebrow at her— it was probably her language, oops— and then he will say, "But that doesn't mean that I love him."

"If it's not love," she'll argue, "then what is it? What's keeping him around? What's stopping you from changing the locks or something? What makes him so much better than Mom and Meg and Daphne that you want to keep him around for so long?"

The comment will cause a muscle in Dad's jaw to twitch, and she'll instinctively shrink away from him when his fingers tighten around the edge of the counter. "Hael—" He won't finish his sentence, choking over his words.

"I'm sorry."

He will shake his head. "No, it's fine. You're curious, and that's fine, it is, and I understand that, I just— It's complicated, sweetheart."

 "So you don't love him?" Her voice will be soft, but she still asks regardless because she _is_ curious, and she can't help it.

"It's complicated," he will say again, and then he will excuse himself to get an aspirin and then go to bed.

Something will settle in Hael's chest, and while she won't know what it is yet, she will wish that it would go away.

 

 

**XV.**

"When you're happy, what do you think about?" Ruby will ask her one night, idly tracing patterns on her arm down in her parent's basement. It'll be a routine that starts up quickly once they "get together", but to Hael these stolen moments with Ruby will mean so much more than just a fling. They will sit in Ruby's basement on Saturday nights, watching movies into the early hours of the morning, and then they will curl together on the couch with soft touches and meaningful whispers and fall asleep in each other's arms.

Hael will smile at the feeling, closing her eyes to bask in it. "Here," she will tell her, and then, "Home."

 

 

**XVI.**

Dean will bring home Charlie at some point, and Hael will worry, genuinely worry in a heart in her throat, the world is going to end kind of worry, until she realizes that Dean and Charlie are just friends and Charlie is already in a relationship with someone named Gilda.

Once her few seconds of panic are over, she will come to like Charlie. Charlie will show her what good TV shows to watch and how to do minor hacks and at some point they will sit down together and Charlie will give her relationship advice. Hael will tell her about Ruby without even really knowing why, because she hasn't even told her Dad or Dean about Ruby. Charlie will sit and listen and at the end, she will say, "It sounds like she was a keeper," in a really soft, knowing way, and Hael will break down for the first time since before she can remember, in the presence of her Dad's maybe-boyfriend's friend.

Dad and Dean will come into the room a little bit after she quiets her tears, and they won't find anything odd about Charlie's arm, which will be slung over her shoulder, or the redness in her eyes.

"It's sad, isn't it?" Charlie will ask as they stumble into the kitchen, nearly tripping over each other and in a giggly haste.

Hael will blink at her. "What's sad?"

"They don't even know," she'll point out.

She won't even have to ask what it is that they don't know. "I keep thinking," she will start, and then shake her head. "They won't even admit to it. It's so _frustrating_."

Charlie will glance at her and smile softly. "Most of the time," she'll say, "the people we want the most are the ones we're afraid of hurting, so we won't let ourselves have them, because we'd rather be miserable than have them be unhappy."

Things won't start making sense after that, not right away, but Hael thinks that she might understand it a little more now.

 

 

**XVII.**

A month before her graduation, early one Saturday morning, it will be the sound of a piano playing that will rouse her out of sleep.

At first, she will brush it off— it's just the TV, she'll tell herself, or maybe Dean got curious enough about the abandoned piano that's sitting in the corner of their living room. But then she will recognize the piece, knows that it is probably to complex for Dean to know, and she scrambles out of bed in a rush, getting her ankle caught in her sheets as she tries to run out of bed.

When Hael reaches her door, though, she will stop and open it quietly, hoping that if Dad really is playing the piano, she won't startle him out of it.

The picture she will stumble across will nearly break her heart: Dad will be sitting at the piano and Dean will be standing behind him, resting his forearms on Dad's shoulders and letting his chin rest on the top of Dad's head. She will recognize the song— or, at least, the start of it. Debussy's  _Clair de lune_ had always been his favorite, and when she was younger, he would play it— what bits he could, to her.

This is every Sunday morning for the first six years of her life, and she will not realize how much she missed it, how much it meant to her, until it is presented right before her very eyes. She will have to tell herself not to cry— it's just a piano, she will tell herself— but it is so much more.

Her heart will seize in her throat and she will look at the two of them, sitting there, and she will realize, even if they don't, that this is what love is.

Hael will stand there and listen as that song turn's into Yiruma's _River Flows in You_ , and she will not do anything at all, but she will still feel like she's intruding on something, something that she never should have seen.

The second song ends too soon, and she will hear Dean's reverent whisper, "That was beautiful, _you're_ beautiful," and she will know that she's already seen too much, already knows more than what what she was intended to. Dean will cup Dad's face— and his hands will be so careful, so gentle, she will not be able to unsee— and tilt it towards him so he can place his lips on Dad's.

Later, she will _hear_ them again, and not in a good way, but she will pick up her phone and her headphones and she will leave the apartment quietly. " _You're beautiful_ ," will echo in her head, and Hael will smile.

 

 

**XVIII.**

Hael still won't be sure what love is, exactly, but it'll be a month before graduation and she will have nothing else to lose.

She will call up Ruby on a Tuesday and ask, shyly, if asking her out to dinner will be too much, too soon. There will be a familiar snort in her ear, and then, "I've been waiting for this for the past year. I'm just glad you grew some balls."

That Saturday they will sit at some cheap diner— "You hate fancy restaurants," Hael will remind her— and they will talk and laugh over greasy burgers and milkshakes. At the end of the night, Hael will kiss her cheek but Ruby will shake her head, laughing at her, and place a chaste kiss on her lips. The whole night will be awkward and it won't be easy, not at first, but it will be worth it.

Hael won't know that for sure, but she will just have to settle for what most people do when starting something new:

hope.

 

 

**XIX.**

"So you love him, then?"

The three of them will be sitting on the couch watching old Star Trek reruns— she will refrain from calling them nerds only because she has a soft spot for the show as well— and the question will tumble out of her lips before she can help it.

Dad will glance at Dean and Dean will glance at Dad, and then they will both turn their eyes onto her.

Dean will look up at Dad again, and then he will smile. "Yeah," he will say. "Something like that."

Hael reminds herself that she will have to thank them one day, because maybe they'd been going about it wrong, but she didn't learn how to love from watching TV.

Dad will smile, and she will think it is like watching the sun set.

 

 

**XX.**

When the fighting starts, Hael is six.

It won't be easy, but she thinks that it'll all work out.

 


End file.
